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25 July, 2010


A few people have told me that they've sent friends, or even students, to this blog for advice. As the size of the archive grows, it occurs to me that the sidebar should have a link to some sort of introductory post. But for that, I'd need the post.

Dear readers: what are some questions you wish you'd been able to ask when you started out? If you had a chance to ask them, so much the better. I'd be obliged if you'd comment here with one or two questions, along with any answers you feel like including. The questions can be as practical or theoretical as you please. I expect I'll include some items like, "How do I ask my partner about opening our relationship?", "When and how do I inform someone I like that I'm dating seventy people?", "How should one broach the subject of disease and sex safety?" and "Do I really need to read Stranger in a Strange Land?" Oh, and I don't know that it's frequently asked, but this should be: "When should I not start seeing a new partner?"

EDIT: That post now exists, and it's here: Infrequently Asked Questions. Feel free to drop me a line and ask a new question; I'd love to help! If you have a really specific question, though, you might be better off asking a professional advice-giver like Dear Sugar or the Polyamorous Misanthrope. They will not give you any BS, and they'll just work to help you be you.


  1. Hi

    You came up on my google alerts. I also have a blog www.polyamorouspeople.typepad.com and I tackle the other side of picture i.e. monos in poly relationships. There are issues common to both sides and issues that are different but there are a lot of mono/poly relationships around and a lot of people needing help understanding each others perspective.

  2. What does it mean if men sexually arouse you but women don't, but sexual contact with men stinks while sex with women would be fun?

    In short, dancing with boys is hot but dancing with girls is not. But for sex its just the opposite.

    Not sure if straight, definitely not gay since I never had a crush on a boy as a kid but did have them on girls. Bisexual seems like the wrong label. Originally I loved reading bondage stories about women and they got me up. Then I moved to male bondage around 16 and now I'm stuck. Every time I'm with a guy I end up saying to myself, "Wow that was not fun" afterwords. I can't really date women or men. Men=stigma if I want to date women plus (Mom always said bi-now gay later) and I don't feel confident I can anything with women. (Maybe a confidence issues). Any advice or explanation as to what on Earth I am? Or am I something new?

  3. @sage: Thanks for the link! It sounds like you've made a tough choice, and I don't envy you the heartache it may cause. If you'd like, I'll add your blog to the links section. You seem to have a lot of good advice that'd be useful for anyone in a nonmonogamous relationship - things like getting to know your partners' partners as people, for instance - and the more ties we can build in this online diaspora, the more help we can offer to anxious seekers.

    @Anonymous: It might help you to sleep at night if you can take a deep breath and exhale the need for neat categories. Your sexuality might be more complex than average, but nobody's simple! I can actually sympathize with you a little; flirting with boys is incredible fun for me, but once things get physical, I'm not interested. It's blasted frustrating: boys sound like such fun, but then I get close to them and they're ... they're boys! How icky.

    Maybe you could try a little role-play, say involving a lady friend using a strap-on, or try group sex? That can be hard to arrange unless you have a lot of close, kinky friends, but it's definitely an experiment worth trying if you can collect a few partners who'll be drama-free. Just make sure to play safely.

  4. I've been recently reminded by a friend's drama of one newbie issue: the difference between cheating and poly can be incredibly murky to those not familiar with poly. So for the purposes of your faq, "Is this normal for poly?" might be a good all-purpose question. The "this" in question could be any number of things: having/not having veto powers, having different rules or boundaries for each person in the relationship, lack of communication with your partner's partner(s), feeling jealous/cheated on/fine, etc.

    There's no one right way, but there are some wrong ways :/