tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-58872601656484208902012-01-28T20:37:24.952-05:00Jump on the bandwagon, we're taking a little trip to the mainstream.Oxytocinhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06619718045313122329noreply@blogger.comBlogger311100tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5887260165648420890.post-47233502462097443962012-01-18T23:16:00.001-05:002012-01-18T23:16:09.537-05:00

While you're waiting for those broadcats to resume, have some light reading to keep you entertained.What Do You Want? From the ever-impressive Holly Pervocracy, on how figuring out what you want is actually not simple. File under "communication".Problematizing enthusiastic consent for a confusing world: with comments on the privileging of certain subcategories of nonverbal communication; with

Oxytocinhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06619718045313122329noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5887260165648420890.post-69372730829125948192011-12-05T17:48:00.005-05:002011-12-07T23:14:48.482-05:00

Right, I haven't posted on here in ages, so this is just to say that I've done a great deal of thinking and had all manner of relevant experiences since my earlier run of posting came to a halt. I wrote all sorts of interesting things on this blog, some of which I might not ascribe to now, some of which I might have phrased more thoughtfully or emphasized differently if I were to re-write them.

Oxytocinhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06619718045313122329noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5887260165648420890.post-85993719567235190882011-01-07T21:38:00.007-05:002011-12-09T19:03:24.376-05:00

I've been thinking about sex, and beauty, and the sublime. I've been thinking also about evolution, and how Earth's conscious life might have taken any number of other forms, in which case we could have unrecognizable conceptions of "beauty". For a conservative example, say that the most nutritious food in our environment of adaptedness had been nuts or fruit with unusually thick, hard peels; we

Oxytocinhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06619718045313122329noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5887260165648420890.post-57822910382722050342010-10-25T16:58:00.006-04:002011-01-07T21:49:34.990-05:00

Recently, I noticed myself starting to feel oddly ... monogamous ... while spending time with Margaret, who's -- depending on your definitions -- approximately my primary lover. When I investigated my feelings, I noticed something that made me feel more confident about my practicing polyamory. Intrigued? Then read on, O traveler of the blogosphere.When I say that I seemed to be feeling unusually

Oxytocinhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06619718045313122329noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5887260165648420890.post-7353180532900597572010-09-20T20:57:00.001-04:002010-09-20T20:57:00.179-04:00

Discovering ethical ways to avoid monogamy while you're young can be a big advantage. Everyone who explores unknown territory makes mistakes, and it's nice to be making those mistakes at the same time as the folks you're dating, rather than at, say, 35, when you get to know a nice couple down the way who've invited you to this thing called "Dragon*Con".Being young and poly also has some

Oxytocinhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06619718045313122329noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5887260165648420890.post-31294604333029048342010-08-09T01:46:00.022-04:002011-12-07T21:35:58.869-05:00

While preparing the F.A.Q. post (read: while occasionally remembering that this blog is an ongoing project), something has occurred to me. I am not especially good at polyamory. I'm great at being a slut with a girlfriend; I'd go so far as to say I've mastered that particular skill set. I'm even decent at being a slut with one so-would-you-want-kids girlfriend and one longterm

Oxytocinhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06619718045313122329noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5887260165648420890.post-41477775709545171932010-07-25T01:27:00.003-04:002010-07-25T02:59:50.718-04:00

A few people have told me that they've sent friends, or even students, to this blog for advice. As the size of the archive grows, it occurs to me that the sidebar should have a link to some sort of introductory post. But for that, I'd need the post.Dear readers: what are some questions you wish you'd been able to ask when you started out? If you had a chance to ask them, so much the better. I'd

Oxytocinhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06619718045313122329noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5887260165648420890.post-87967640438863416912010-07-01T12:33:00.007-04:002010-07-01T19:42:19.725-04:00

I don't want to seem like a polyamory evangelist. Non-monogamy is my life, not my mission. My mission, at least on this blog, has a little more to do with ethics (as much as I've complained about that construct in the past) and raising consciousness of basic social freedoms we may tacitly deny ourselves and our loves. It has to do with what we expect of each other.It's not true that I can't even

Oxytocinhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06619718045313122329noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5887260165648420890.post-56126820100152273052010-06-22T14:30:00.000-04:002010-06-22T14:30:01.150-04:00

I've been off this site for months, and that's no good. It's time to get back into a regular posting schedule, if possible.Might be tough, though. I've been having what one might call motivational difficulty, a.k.a. "failure to give a damn". Toying with certain variables in my daily life seems to offer the possibility of ameliorating or exacerbating the problem, but it can be difficult to

Oxytocinhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06619718045313122329noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5887260165648420890.post-90248682118095771132010-02-26T14:21:00.010-05:002010-03-02T10:59:09.960-05:00

It's a cold, snowy day. Relax, if you can, and make yourself a mug of cocoa. Why don't we sit here by the fire, and I'll tell you a story.Once upon a time, on February 25th, a group of researchers published an article about reproduction in fruit flies. There is a Twitter account ostensibly maintained by a professor, one Pieter Schultz, who's set up the feed to broadcast just about any post

Oxytocinhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06619718045313122329noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5887260165648420890.post-79509019320034692072010-02-15T12:37:00.012-05:002010-07-18T10:54:16.872-04:00

EDIT: Friends of mine have pointed out that the story of the game is ambiguous such that the ethical situation can imply dark deeds. I assumed that the bargain discussed below was a mutual decision, suggested by the woman involved, while other people reading the same lines assumed that she was coerced by the game's protagonist. If the game itself features the latter, it is unambiguously

Oxytocinhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06619718045313122329noreply@blogger.com7tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5887260165648420890.post-28226382344760388432010-02-09T15:49:00.007-05:002010-02-09T17:14:46.269-05:00

Some of you may be familiar with a concept in psychology called "affordance theory". The concept is basically that one can best understand behavior--interactions of agents, like you and me, with each other and the rest of our environments--in terms of what the environment affords the agent in question.1 An affordance is the inherent possibility that exists between an agent and something external

Oxytocinhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06619718045313122329noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5887260165648420890.post-62089393983301367592010-01-01T17:16:00.006-05:002010-01-01T23:14:53.536-05:00

Back to basics, ladies and gents. Friends who follow this blog might not have a lot to learn here, but you might have comments to make; I hope you will. Here's taking a swing at this blog's mission statement, reaching out to people who are new to nonmonogamous relationships. Everyone has to start somewhere: how do you begin the conversation about opening a relationship?Every couple has a

Oxytocinhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06619718045313122329noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5887260165648420890.post-26470959055730216302009-12-10T01:17:00.008-05:002010-06-22T14:59:29.001-04:00

I've been amused lately by checking out how and whence people come to visit this blog. I'm pleased with the exposure I'm getting, given that I haven't really worked on it: I'm not sure how or why folks from Bucharest and San Paolo would make their way here or how I get direct views from Delhi and Porto Alegre, but that's the glory of the interwebs and I love it! My favorite data, though, is the

Oxytocinhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06619718045313122329noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5887260165648420890.post-55167627846152756892009-12-03T14:08:00.001-05:002011-12-08T19:39:46.069-05:00

Polyamory seems to thrive at the intersection of several subcultures. I do mean polyamory, specifically: the celebration of non-monogamous love and, often, fidelity, as opposed to the more sex-based side of nonmonogamy (like swinging, sometimes set up against poly in the dark twin role). Poly is tied in pretty thoroughly with geek culture, and there's also an association with modern Paganism,

Oxytocinhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06619718045313122329noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5887260165648420890.post-65893390389140002012009-12-02T00:47:00.007-05:002009-12-02T10:55:06.080-05:00

In the grim darkness of the setting for the tabletop miniature game Warhammer: 40K, there is only war. Nonetheless, it holds some lessons relevant to our own daily lives.The game simulates war in distant planets between various human and alien factions. It is a setting of crushing despair and little hope, in which humanity's only savior has been approximately dead for millennia and only keeps a

Oxytocinhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06619718045313122329noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5887260165648420890.post-65803197964748276782009-11-16T16:24:00.009-05:002009-11-19T01:40:02.922-05:00

Today, I'm going to play the role of godless social liberal and talk about why it would make sense for people to mess around a little before they so much as agree to a dinner date.Relationships, as almost all human behavior is at root, are about feeling good.1 Personally, I wouldn't want to commit to a relationship unless I had reason to think that the new lover and I might get along smashingly.

Oxytocinhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06619718045313122329noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5887260165648420890.post-46991503290695439982009-10-31T14:52:00.003-04:002011-12-08T19:41:52.705-05:00

After talking with my compatriot over at WrongBot, I have come to the conclusion that, no, I didn't just miss that day in middle school: I'm not the only one who's never had a word of advice on how to draw emotional boundaries or even, now that I think about it, on what emotional boundaries are. I want to spend a moment on that topic before my next post.This might be a little tricky, since I've

Oxytocinhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06619718045313122329noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5887260165648420890.post-79858331143555405122009-10-26T10:47:00.002-04:002011-12-07T22:51:31.729-05:00

One of the big questions about how to manage nonmonogamous relationships is the question of where to draw the lines of intimacy and of commitment.1 Now that I think about it, that's a question I haven't really answered before this year - at least, not in a satisfactory manner. Even in terms of monogamous relationships, no-one ever gave me a single word of advice on how to do this. Maybe other

Oxytocinhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06619718045313122329noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5887260165648420890.post-70365795841747004572009-10-07T14:34:00.002-04:002010-07-18T20:52:37.155-04:00

America has a bizarre relationship with sex. Our colonial ancestors shipped over here after the Great Reformation and during the Counter-Reformation, the period during which the confession became a more important part of daily life and sexuality became a more important element of sin.1 The Mayflower contingent were protestants of an unusually ascetic stripe (rumor has it that the first man to

Oxytocinhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06619718045313122329noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5887260165648420890.post-37382955503911622532009-09-23T20:01:00.001-04:002010-07-18T21:48:40.248-04:00

Questioning sexuality and gender often seem to run together, so I hope you'll forgive me if I take a moment to discuss gender roles today.The link occurred to me today because there seems, in recent conservative rhetoric, to be a link between the teeming evils of polyamory, pornography, and the diluted strength of gender roles. One Pat Fagan argues that "By controlling ... [education of children,

Oxytocinhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06619718045313122329noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5887260165648420890.post-36207532516018170672009-09-09T19:28:00.000-04:002009-09-09T20:00:49.048-04:00

When you think "polyamory", what's the first thing that comes to mind? Cuddle piles? Jealousy? Day planners? An overabundance of neologisms? No, of course not - if you're anything like the rest of us, the first thing you think of is MTV!Yes, MTV, that bastion of U.S. media and culture! Somewhere in between all those music videos they're so fond of broadcasting, they found time to shine a

Oxytocinhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06619718045313122329noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5887260165648420890.post-52088164567798509182009-09-06T22:30:00.001-04:002011-12-07T23:10:13.660-05:00

Blast, it's been some time since my last post! I've been busy as a beaver on a flood plain, moving back into school mode and taking reunion as a cause for serious play mode. Let me tell you, going back to school makes me deeply pleased to be in a non-monogamous relationship.I'm the sort of person who cherishes intimacy. I love the conversation space that only appears when people are lying in the

Oxytocinhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06619718045313122329noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5887260165648420890.post-886851786071233862009-08-27T13:04:00.001-04:002010-08-30T19:33:53.532-04:00

Jealousy is the elephant in the room that you can't not discuss. It is not a problem I claim to have solved in my own life. For anyone who isn't either a powerhouse of confidence or capable of complete, unflappable trust, jealousy is bound to creep into the picture now and then. When I say "jealousy", I mean the cocktail of fear, insecurity and dread that flares up when someone perceives a

Oxytocinhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06619718045313122329noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5887260165648420890.post-60749890045824403382009-08-25T09:48:00.001-04:002009-08-25T09:59:47.575-04:00

I know it's two posts in as many sleep cycles, but I'm curious. What is polyamory - or some other branch of non-monogamy, if that's your sphere - about, to you? For me, the "duh" definition is that it's about love, but there are any number of ways for love to enter the equation. Beyond that, it's about love with personal responsibility. Maybe you've heard the phrase "You are responsible for your

Oxytocinhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06619718045313122329noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5887260165648420890.post-26559774842829193202009-08-24T10:15:00.000-04:002009-08-25T01:46:57.046-04:00

Thanks to one of my friends on Twitter, I just noticed that #itsnotcheating is a trending topic. Most of the tweets are things like#itsnotcheating if HE kissed ME!. lol#itsnotcheating if your drunk. #itsnotcheating if u swallow da evidence...#itsnotcheating hahahhahahahaha no, there is NEVER an exception.And, my favorite:#itsnotcheating if its with obama.I'd give that last person a free pass,

Oxytocinhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06619718045313122329noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5887260165648420890.post-9700685759925333412009-08-22T19:37:00.001-04:002011-12-07T23:46:11.960-05:00

Here's the big trick. Plenty of people fool around when they're young, but with polyamory, if you stick with it for the long run, your household won't end up looking much like white bread America. You might end up living in a group of people committed to each other across the board, or you might have one of your or a lover's partners as a roommate; you might be someone's "aunt" or "uncle" who

Oxytocinhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06619718045313122329noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5887260165648420890.post-41752514531567608192009-08-20T11:50:00.001-04:002011-12-08T19:42:18.602-05:00

Indulge me and pretend that you've signed on with the first principle: commitment to one person doesn't preclude simultaneously committing to another, and it might be nice to see how. Why, though, would anyone want to see a partner running off and courting other people?I want to have control.You might think to yourself: "I don't have a perfect body. I don't have a perfect soul. What if my partner

Oxytocinhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06619718045313122329noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5887260165648420890.post-75270130197177415962009-08-18T02:11:00.000-04:002009-08-18T02:11:00.346-04:00

I should start with the basics. Why would anybody want to date more than one person?Part 1: "Am I not enough?"If one of a pair brings up the topic of stepping out of monogamy, the other might be quick to think, "What did I do wrong? Why am I not enough?"In poly circles, I often hear (or "read", to be truthful) the words "fairy tale". The fairy tale goes like this: somewhere in this world is a

Oxytocinhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06619718045313122329noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5887260165648420890.post-57669000301468605482009-08-14T22:43:00.002-04:002011-12-08T10:17:21.563-05:00

Before I get to the meat of this little poly sandwich, I should lay down the metaphorical bread. This will give you a chance to know where I'm coming from as I write and give me a chance to make amusing pseudonyms using varying degrees of arcane references. If you already know me well, you can probably skip the checkered past section. If you do read, just keep in mind that my memory for dates is

Oxytocinhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06619718045313122329noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5887260165648420890.post-23435423543292399992009-08-13T21:24:00.000-04:002009-08-14T16:21:52.186-04:00

Writing a blog that isn't just a personal venue, like Livejournal, is new to me. Normally, I wouldn't sign up to produce interesting content on a single topic for the indefinite future. Why would I think that I can hold the interest of a random internet surfer - and why would I want to try?It's mostly because of her: RosePhase, a blogger whose posts have amused, alarmed and engaged me in the past

Oxytocinhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06619718045313122329noreply@blogger.com0